It's moments like these

High Seas

Rosemary Jilderts asks fellow cruisers about their most hilarious moments.

Carole & Kevin Hall, Cairns
Honey Hush, Stuart 47

Carole and Kevin were enjoying a world circumnavigation in the early 1990s. By 1994 they were on their way home and called into Tonga, where they met an Aussie couple who were working in the kingdom. The husband admitted that he was keen to buy a yacht but had yet to convince his wife, who had never sailed and, in fact, had never been on a boat.

Just before the Halls were due to clear out, the wife mentioned she was flying to Sydney for a visit. Her route was Tonga-Fiji-Australia. The solution seemed obvious. Carole and Kevin were sailing to Fiji, so they invited the wife to come along. She would not only save one leg of the flight but she’d get sailing experience as well. They put their suggestion to the couple. The husband was eager but the wife was non-committal, leaving Carole and Kevin unsure as to her intentions. However, other acquaintances later told them she was excited about the trip.

They left Tonga in good weather with the headsail poled out (their usual method of travel in the trades). The inflatable dinghy, their secondary liferaft complete with grab bucket, spare water etc, was tied down on deck. On the first day out their guest settled herself in the dinghy. Smiling, she appeared very comfortable, rarely leaving it. Kevin and Carole were amazed at how relaxed and happy she looked for her first sailing experience.  

It was a perfect fast run. The trip took about four days and Honey Hush only needed to be slowed down towards the end so that they wouldn’t approach the reef at the entrance to Suva in the dark. Carole and Kevin enjoyed the run and were pleased that their guest was enjoying the trip in her “nest” as much as they were. They arrived safely in Fiji and their guest flew home to Australia.

It was two years later that Carole and Kevin were asked to help their friends deliver the yacht they’d just purchased from Melbourne to Brisbane. Eventually, the conversation turned to the Tonga-Fiji trip. The Halls commented on how comfortable the wife had been in her nest in the dinghy, rarely leaving it, and how well she adapted to sailing. Then the truth was revealed. The woman admitted that she was actually terrified and rarely left the dinghy because she wanted to be ready in case the yacht sank!

Doug McLeod, Cairns
Hold Fast, O’Kell 37

In the mid-1970s Doug owned an eight-metre catamaran called Nifty Duck. He was sailing with his girlfriend southbound off Mourilyan, FNQ. Around 2.30pm, his girlfriend spotted what she thought was a red coconut. Doug used his dinghy to investigate. He was astounded to find — instead of a coconut — a very cranky, naked female who was too embarrassed to climb into the dinghy. Doug explained that his girlfriend was on board the catamaran so she’d be quite safe. She still refused to get out of the water. He figured that telling her that he’d “seen it all before” wouldn’t actually help the situation and might just hinder it. The dilemma was eventually solved when he pointed out that there were many fish with very big and sharp teeth swimming around in the ocean and that they might like a bit of a taste test if she didn’t get out of the water soon. This apparently convinced her and she clambered in, trying to keep her dignity.

The story gradually unfolded.  She had been sunning herself “au naturale” on the aft deck of her husband’s powerboat when she had fallen overboard and the boat had continued south towards Cardwell without her. She was unable to tell Doug the name of the vessel, instead just calling it “that  f****** boat,” which wasn’t an ideal “name” for Doug to use on the radio. Despite repeated attempts to contact the husband, no answer was heard. To all intents and purposes he was motoring happily down the coast, believing his wife was toasting herself at the stern. Eventually the skipper of a fishing boat who had heard the radio calls intercepted the husband, who turned around and raced back to pick up his furious wife. Apparently he had been listening to music through headphones and was totally oblivious to the drama that had unfolded in his wake. He didn’t receive a very good reception from his wife, who had been stewing for 4-5 hours.

Doug insists that this very cranky lady just about walked on water to get back to the powerboat so that she could rip her husband’s eyes out and various other body parts for putting her through the ordeal. He says that the boat was apparently sold at a bargain price a short time later!

Craig & Putu Hayhow, Perth
Sirocco, Fountaine Pajot catamaran

It was Craig and Putu’s first weekend with the cruising club. They were keen to make new friends, learn as much as possible and above all make a good impression. They had a pleasant sail to Rockingham. On arrival they launched their new tender and with their four children (two girls and two boys) had great fun zipping around. Every time they pulled into the beach one of the boys always managed to fall in. At dusk they returned to the yacht to get ready to join other cruising members for dinner at the Rockingham Yacht Club. They were eager to meet everybody for the first time. Putu warned the children, especially the boys, that they had to be on their best behaviour and if anyone fell in they’d be sent back to the boat where they’d stay – wet and alone – until the rest returned. Putu dressed in her finest, hair and makeup perfect. Craig was proud to be by her side.

It was dark and rather cool by the time they set off to the beach. On the way Craig instructed both boys on the procedure they’d use on reaching the beach. Everyone would remain seated until he had killed and lifted the engine then both boys would get out, pull the tender in as far as possible, then hold and steady it for their mother and sisters to get out.

“So far so good,” Craig continues. “As we approached the beach I killed the engine and lifted it, but when I turned back around my wife was nowhere to be seen. There was stunned silence for several seconds and then Putu slowly stood up, dripping wet, handbag full of water after doing a magnificent slow motion face-plant off the side of the tender into the water. No one was game to speak, when suddenly Putu burst into laughter, starting a chain reaction.”

Rosemary Jilderts:
Rosemary lives in FNQ with her husband John.
They have cruised the east coast of Australia and SE Asia extensively in their catamaran, Sokari, but at the time of writing they were building a house and Sokari was on the market. (See story on “The fantastic fibreglass  fixer-upper” by John elsewhere this issue.)